I know, I know. You think I’m sour. You think I have a problem with Jack having a woman. But I don’t. I’m not crazy. What red-blooded woman (or man who’s so inclined) wouldn’t want to be able to live vicariously through someone on the screen getting it on with our beloved Jack? C’mon, guys. Have you checked to see if the casting director has a thing for K. Sutherland and doesn’t want an onscreen explosion? It might explain some grave errors in seasons 1 through 5. If not, then you might want to consider a different casting director.

But give me a break. Puh-leeze. Season One. Teri Bauer. A freakin’ pixie. I’m not talking about the actress. I’m sure she’s a nice girl. But THAT person married to Jack Bauer? Give me a break. A beak-nosed pixie. It ain’t happening. Thank goodness we had Nina (who ROCKS) to take her out. Did I mention that Nina ROCKS?

Then. Oh, my. Season Two. Miss Deer-in-the-Headlights. I know what it’s like to feel like Elvis before he shot the television into smithereens. Every time she was on screen I wanted to throw something through it. “Here’s your taco, Miss.” [deer-in-the-headlights look]. “Would you like to donate to the Red Cross, Miss?” [deer-in-the-headlights look]. “We’re about to slice off your head with a rusty, dull-bladed axe, Miss.” [deer-in-the-headlights look]. I’m sure she’s a nice girl. The actress. But puh-leeze.

Season Three. Hoo-boy. Did the hot one get lost, or what? Did you write yourself into a corner, or what? No, I’m really asking. There you have that gorgeous, full-lipped, voluptuous Claudia and we get a whiff and only a whiff? Sheesh. Jack wrapping his mouth around those lips repeatedly and hotly? Again, hoo-boy. Now, WHY didn’t we get THAT picture? Did I mention that Nina and Claudia ROCK?

Season Four. Good lord, almighty. What’s wrong with you people? Audrey Possum-Face. Yes. You don’t believe me? Here she is. Possum-Face. Don’t deny it any longer. If you do, then you need either professional help or an eye exam. Period.



Sure, sure. I heard Kiefer. Talkin’ it up. What’s her name Possum-Face is such a good actor. Excuse me? I’m sure she’s a nice girl. The actress. But “such a good actor”? Puh-leeze. The unseen portion of Season Four we drooled over? The Jack-trailing-his-tongue-down-her-abdomen-and-beyond scene? What kind of actor would it take to express “OMG” looks on her face as Kiefer Sutherland licked her, uh, parts? I could have done that. Probably even better. I’m no actress. Actor. When did they start calling females actors? [an aside: I see no diminution in the term ‘actress’ – it’s a simple discrimination between a female and a male] Anyway, I could’ve done that. Heh heh. BOY, could I have done that! Have I mentioned that Nina and Claudia ROCK?

Anyway. Now we have her back in Season Five. The Possum-Face. Why? That’s the question. Why? She f**ked up. She didn’t Tammy Wynette [Stand by Her Man]. So move on. Diane? She’s fine so far. As she puts it, she accepts Jack for who he is. Heh, heh. You GO, Diane.

So, am I sour? I don’t think so. The following are quotes from two e-mails I received Monday evening. The words are not attributed to specific people because I don’t have their permission. But they’re not my words and the words are unchanged.

“AUDREY MUST DIE.”

“OMG was possum face annoying or what? All slobbery and drippy with the mouth thing she's got going. Eck. Are we going to be forced to watch her wailing and hand wringing the rest of the season, or will she and Diane take it outside?”

Now, I think that just about says it all.

So, let’s talk Season Six since I think this Audrey thing is already in Season Five. Not that you couldn’t take her out very quickly. Jack could tell her to “f” off. Ooooooooo. We’d LOVE that. “Yo. Audrey. 'F' off.” Color me delirious. Or, as my friend suggested above, let healthy, vibrant Diane invite emaciated, pathetic Audrey outside and see who survives. Whoo hooo. Did I mention that Nina, Claudia, and Diane ROCK?

Okay. Mr. Cassar. I have a HUGE amount of respect and admiration for your talent. I don’t enjoy mainstream television. But the shows you’re associated with are my favorites! And I’m PUMPED to see Geraint on S5. Kisses to him. But let’s get to the point. Jack and a pixie? NO. Jack and a deer? NO. Jack and a possum? NO. Bottom line? No more forest creatures or animals!

Jack is NOT destined to have a normal relationship. Jack is not normal. Jack is supernormal. So you know what, Jon? You need to hook Jack up with Nikita. Yeah. That’s right. You heard me. Nikita the also supernormal. Jack and Nikita! Holy shit. Did I mention holy shit? Can you see it now? Nikita and Jack? Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Nikita would kick his ass and then spank it. If you know what I mean. [VERY evil grin]

Uh huh. Here they are. Nikita and Jack.





And together??? Whew. Makes me sweat just thinkin' about it. And to SEE it! Whoo hooo. Did I mention holy shit? So, Jon. Give Peta Wilson a call. I’m SURE she’s NOT a nice girl. And that’s what I LOVE about her.

Meanwhile, I’ll call Cher and see if she can remake “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves” into “No More Pixie, Deer, or Possum, Please.” Jack is a REAL man. Get him a REAL woman. Soon. I’m sure he needs one after this many years. Did I mention my phone number?

Kisses to you all. And lest you should think I’m complaining about Jack or “24” in general, I’m not. Season Five is off to a phenomenal start. The writing continues to be well above the usual standards. The only thing I’m mouthing off about is the choice of actors (!) to play Jack’s humping-interest. Please address this in Season Six. And if you kill off Jack in Season Five (Gawd forbid!), then please let him meet Nikita in a sleazy hotel room before it all ends. And let us watch. Puh-leeze.

Your grateful viewer,
P.J.